I want better criticism.

What our porch looks like on a typical Thursday night

I never knew so many people could fit in my basement - I was thankful for a hygienic crowd. It was time for another Pints and Pipes, but this Thursday evening was like no other. We were having a guest speaker whose story is so enthralling, people were willing to sacrifice all sense of their personal space in order to hear it. To make the night even more special, I was hosting some true VIPs overnight - people I've spent my entire life trying to impress. I knew once they witnessed what kind of magic unfolds in our home on Thursday nights, they would have no choice but to finally be fascinated by me.

The guest lecturer of the evening shared his story of how he left his six-figure job in order to live among the homeless. He had grown disillusioned with the comfortable religion of the suburbs, and the more he read about Jesus, the more he wanted to follow Him - living out a radical, dangerous faith. He learned how Jesus treated the people the rest of society seemed to look down on or ignore altogether, and his heart broke for homeless people. He longed to serve them well, and believed the only way he could be effective was to first get to know them on a personal level. 50 pairs of eyes listened to him intently with dropped jaws as he shared stories of sleeping under bridges and using the hand dryer in a public restroom to stay warm on frigid, rainy days. His experience transformed his life, and his faith called him into further, daily action. He started a clothing company, training women who had been rescued from sex trafficking in India to be seamstresses, and using 100% of the profits from the clothing sales to buy interview accoutrements for his friends without homes, provide backpacks for children who couldn't afford them, and meet a whole host of other needs in the community.

My friend Lauren snapped this photo of the guest speaker

Every guest in attendance appeared to be a different person after listening to his story. It was as if they were incapable of returning to their regular lives after hearing of such revolutionary purpose - the things they had spent their whole lives desiring seemed to have lost their allure. They gave generously to the speaker's organization, raising 10 times more than the typical weekly Pints and Pipes donation. Yet even greater still, new ideas began to flow as if the dam of acedia had been violently burst in their brains. The room buzzed with fruitful discussion, each person brainstorming how they could use their talents to serve those in need. I surveyed the room with a cheshire grin and deep satisfaction - generating this kind of discussion had been my vision and purpose for Pints and Pipes since its inception. The efforts were finally worth it. After the guests left, I rushed upstairs to receive the praise I knew the VIPs would be so eager to bestow upon me for setting up such a spectacular event.

Instead, the words "he doesn't actually care about homeless people" were the ones to harshly greet me, causing the noticeable joy to promptly evacuate my face. Flabbergasted and wondering if this VIP had been in the same room the rest of us were in, I asked what in the world she meant. "If he truly cared about homeless people, he would've tailored his message to convince rich people and corporations to donate to his cause. (VIP #2) is very wealthy, and could have written a huge check, but since the speaker wouldn't shut up about how his faith spurred his actions, he essentially robbed those poor homeless people of a large donation." She explained how our measly donations would never fix the problem, our discussions would never spur on true change, and nothing we did at Pints and Pipes would ever matter. I looked at the pile of monetary contributions given that night, what I once believed was a generous sum now appeared to only be the alms of a peasant. The excitement I felt for all of the new ideas being discussed downstairs faded as I accepted this person's words and realized they would never matter. We'd never have enough resources to see them through - we might as well give up now. This little Thursday night event I was so passionate about, the one I thought was actually changing people's lives, was nothing but a mere exercise in futility. Never in my life had I felt so worthless. At work I was unsuccessful, at church I was unwanted, as a community group leader I was a failure; Pints and Pipes had been the last place where I felt like I was doing something worthwhile, and now I was being criticized there, too. As I stayed up until 5am cleaning up from the event, I repeatedly asked myself what the four-letter-word I was doing with my life. I couldn't come up with anything to impress the VIPs.

I'm surprised the neighbors don't complain about the cigar smoke
Photo Credit: www.shuttersexy.com

I've come to learn nothing robs me of my joy more than unproductive criticism, particularly when it's coming from someone I'm striving to impress. So I've been studying criticism in order to figure out why it effects me the way it does and what I can do to battle its paralyzing hold over me. One observation I've made is unproductive criticism often stems from a person trying to discredit a conviction. I believe the Holy Spirit often uses the example of how other people utilize their God-given talents to convict us on how we should use ours - perhaps you'd call it inspiration. The problem is, using our gifts to serve God nearly always costs us our comfort, something we desperately try to keep intact. This imbalance of wanting to utilize the unique talents God designed us to use while also remaining comfortable creates a painful cognitive dissonance in our brains. So we respond by discrediting the works of the person inspiring us in order to give us an excuse for not making a necessary, uncomfortable change in our own lives. Understanding this has helped me soften the blow when I receive fruitless critiques, have compassion for those delivering the hurtful words towards me, and also seriously question my own motives when I have the urge to criticize someone else.

The Ten Boom Family
www.tenboom.org

The danger here is throwing the baby out with the bathwater and ignoring all criticism, including the productive kind. I think this is especially difficult for pastors. I don't know of a single group of people who receive more unproductive criticism than pastors. Every parishioner is a Monday morning quarterback, and I can only imagine the stack of sermon-critiquing e-mails awaiting preachers on Mondays - filled with everything from allegations of heresy to disdain for their shirt choice. When you receive such an inordinate amount of fruitless criticism, I'm sure it's easy to build a thick shell and not let any affect you. Yet some of the most life-giving words my friends have ever given me have been critical ones, and I wouldn't trade those for the world. Their criticism is starkly different, though. Instead of it being something that makes themselves feel better, it pushes me to be better. Instead of attacking something I'm doing, they admire my heart for wanting to use my God-given talents, and help me see how I can make them even more effective. They never make my skills seem worthless, but rather remind me that even Olympians have to train relentlessly in order to make their already incredible innate gifts fit for competition. I pray to always have the wisdom to know the difference so I don't miss a single word of their iron-sharpening criticism.

The Hiding Place
www.tenboom.org

I spent last week driving through Belgium and the Netherlands, and read Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place during the trip. The book recounts Ten Boom's experience during World War II. Even though she was just an old Dutch spinster living with her father and sister, she became the leader of the Haarlem tangent of the Dutch underground resistance. As I walked the same streets she had strolled, her stories came to life. Each day, I shared Ten Boom's experiences with my wife as we walked, telling her about her smuggling Jews to safe areas, stealing ration cards, and hiding the riskiest Jews (the ones no other safehouse would take) in her own house. My wife was amazed by the enthralling stories, and her first question was: "how did she become so involved with the resistance?" The answer was simple. People in Haarlem knew the Ten Booms were people who loved others the way Jesus did, and when the Nazis shut down a Jewish-owned business and arrested its owner, his wife came to the Ten Booms with a suitcase in hand, even though she had never met them before. Ten Boom's father said: "In this household, God's people are always welcome." From there, it was just criticism.

The discussion, and fireworks, continue on Thursdays

A local pastor chastised them for hiding Jews, offering hurtful criticism at Ten Boom, telling her she was acting with complete disregard to the lives of her father and sister. Old spinsters could never stop the massive Nazi army. He refused to help them.Yet others provided productive criticism, bringing life to their operation. One person criticized her for not providing enough food for the Jews, and helped her steal ration cards. A local architect criticized her for hosting them openly in her house and helped her build a secret hiding place in her home. Others criticized her inability to lie in the face of pressure, and would forcefully wake her up in the middle of the night and run mock interrogation drills. By accepting their productive criticism, while blocking out the unproductive, the Ten Booms simple gift of hospitality was transformed into a life-saving force. Even after someone ratted them out and the Nazis sent Corrie, her sister, and her father to prison and concentration camps, the hiding place was so well made the Nazis never found it during their raid of the house. Corrie withstood the brutal interrogation of the Nazis. Everyone who had been hiding in the Ten Boom's house when it was raided survived.

I don't want to be the kind of person whose criticism makes his friends feel worthless and small - I want my criticism to be life-giving. I want to teach people how the gifts God gave them are wondrous, unique to them, and worthy of being used. Some may be called to spend their lives with the homeless, others to invite people into their homes when no one else will. No calling is too small, and no gift inadequate. Others may poke holes in the hull of their efforts, saying their small boat isn't enough, but I'd rather spend my time helping them build a ship one plank at a time.

What I'm Listening to During this Post:

I want an epic life.

As propane flames began to dance across the outdoor fireplace and cigar cutters harmonized into a symphony of blades threshing tobacco, I rubbed my hands together like a praying mantis. It was time for another edition of Thursday night Pints and Pipes, and I was giddy about the discussion topic I had prepared for the evening. Friends new and old lit up their stogies and filled their pint glasses to the brim, ready to settle in for a raucous round of healthy discourse, and looked at me in anticipation. I proceeded to tell them how I had read in one of my favorite business books of all time, Built to Last, how companies with a clear, lived-out mission statement (not just fancy business words hanging on the wall) tend to outperform those without one by massive margins. The author's research found purpose drove results. I asked the friends huddled around my patio if they thought the same principle applied to our lives, and their heads nodded with near unanimous agreement - our lives need mission in order to thrive. "Well, in that case, what is your life's mission statement?" I retorted. A hush fell over the crowd.

It was clear no one had a pre-established mission statement off the top of their head, so we began to brainstorm on the spot. What were the elements of a strong mission statement? How could you keep it from being pure fluff? Ideas were tossed up in hopeful anticipation like the hats of graduates on commencement day - no one remembering which idea was theirs once it had hit the ground. Yet slowly a consensus began to build: "I want an epic life" became the unison chant of the crowd. People began to compose mission statements based on this idea of "epic-ness," claiming "my mission is to travel the world!" and "my mission is to go sky-diving and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro!" and the like. Meanwhile, I could see my friend Robbie sitting in the corner and boiling up with frustration.

Great conversations around a fire on our porch

Robbie is a kind, soft spoken, gentle man. He's the kind of friend who constantly encourages you, pats you on the back, and is always quick with a lighthearted joke. Seeing him silent and disconcerted was certainly out of character for him, so I halted the group discussion and asked him what he was thinking. His voice was throttled with just enough anger to communicate his seriousness as he said: "You're not describing an epic life, you're just talking about a wealthy one." We all fell silent - we knew Robbie was right, and we didn't know how to offer him a rebuttal. All too often, what we think is an epic narrative is nothing more than a bright flash in the flambe pan. We deceive ourselves on the definition of epic, like a naive sorority girl who screams "YOLO!" after numerous shots of cheap tequila, thinking she's taking the "you only live once" adage to heart.

I still want to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro

Most of the time when you have sparks of discontentment in your life, your friends will try to encourage you by stomping them out. My friend Joe does the opposite. Whenever I come to him with a glimmer of discontent, he throws in some kindling and stokes the flames - he wants it to become a raging fire. He sees our discontent as a good, holy thing - it is our heart's admission of living in a fallen world, an acknowledgement of how our willful separation from God has made creation run amok. If our lives have no discontentment, then we must be suffocatingly sheltered, and if our only discontentment stems from the size of our bank accounts, then we must be debilitatingly shallow. Yet when we look into the world and see the pain of others, a holy discontent will tell us "this is not right, this is not the way it's meant to be." This spark of discontentment, when stoked, can shatter the inner cavities of our hearts, calling us into epic action. After Robbie's words convicted me on how I defined epic, I realized every epic narrative, every story worth reading, every movie worth watching, and every mission worth supporting, has begun with a broken heart.

In my adult life, I've seen God get hijacked by opportunists looking for cash, egomaniacs yearning for power, influence, and control over others, and perhaps worst of all, ignorant optimists desperately seeking a false sense of safety and comfort. Through these perversions of the truth, I've seen people I love discredit God altogether, and I've seen Christians live astonishingly boring lives - hellbent on hiding from the world rather than engaging it. This tears my heart to pieces. I want people to experience the wonder of the true God we find in the Scriptures, and I want to help Christians see the implications of Grace on how we should live.

This holy discontent, this heart brokenness, has helped me form my mission statement for this season of my life: "To help people see the glory of God and lead people in living greater stories." Since this is my mission at this time, I filter my actions through this lens. I ask myself if the money I'm spending will help people connect with God - if it's not, then I know I'm off track. I ask myself if how I'm spending my time will point people to a bigger story worth living - if it's not, then I know I'm wasting it. This way of life has been very costly to me. Being a braggart about self-sacrifice kinda seems to defeat the purpose of it, but I only mention the cost to stress it's not easy. I have the scars and bills to prove it. Yet that's what makes it epic - the mission is worthy of the sacrifice.

Ben & Dylan with their scholars in Nicaragua

Every week, I ask my friends about their holy discontent, and I love seeing the diversity of ways God is breaking our hearts for His kingdom. My friends Dylan and Ben had their hearts broken by children living on the streets in Managua, and now their mission has led those kids to graduating from school and even going on to college. My friend Mike had his heart broken by entire nationalities who have never heard the Good News of God's redemption and restoration through Christ, and now he's sending missionaries to countries so dangerous few missionaries have dared to go there before. Their missions are frustrating and costly, but their lives personify the true meaning of epic, and their journeys began with brokenness.
  
What I'm listening to during this post:

I believe in discourse.

What our porch looks like on Pints & Pipes night

Thursday has quickly become my favorite day of the week. Around 8pm, I set out a batch of my homemade guacamole, pour a test taste of my "fruit-infused water of the week," and light the outdoor fireplace. Soon enough, people begin to stroll into our basement for an event we affectionately refer to as "Pints & Pipes." As the name implies, we spend the evening imbibing on superb draft beer while puffing on black cavendish and other fine tobacco. Yet those things have become secondary - Pints & Pipes is really about relationships and discourse.

Supplies for a recent Pints & Pipes

The art of discussion seems to be lost in our society today, and I want it back. I read with fascination about how our nation was founded on ideas hashed out through lively, productive discourse in taverns, fueled by rounds of locally-brewed beer until there were no wicks left on the candles. Somehow we've traded that kind of open, respectful discourse for shouting our views at each other on television, and I think it's a travesty worth combating. Pints & Pipes is my dog in that fight.

In my assessment of the issue, my key observation is people have deeply-held views formed by their cultural upbringing and limited personal experience, and are unwilling to consider neither empirical evidence nor counter-cultural beliefs contrary to those viewpoints, even while thinking they like discourse. For example, I was once curious about Mormonism in high school, so I read a book written by an orthodox Christian that explained how Mormon beliefs conflicted with the Bible and were merely the invention of one man's imagination. I wanted to have enough knowledge of Mormonism to look smart, and maybe even be able to quote a few lines from the Book of Mormon to use in arguments against them, but I was only willing to learn from a viewpoint consistent with my pre-existing beliefs. No wonder my opinion didn't change! I believe this flawed way of thinking is prolific, and it leads to us seeking out bullets to fuel our existing arsenal of beliefs without ever questioning if we're carrying the wrong weapon. In order for true discussion to happen, there can be no sacred cows - we have to be open to our current beliefs being wrong.

My photo of the Mormon temple in SLC

A few years ago, a colleague and I spent two weeks conducting business reviews of our operations in the western USA. Our plan was to fly into Salt Lake City, drive 4 hours to Elko, NV for a 3 day review, spend the weekend in Salt Lake, then drive 4 hours to Rock Springs, WY for another review, then make our way back to SLC to fly home to Atlanta. About two hours into the drive to Elko, the topic of religion came up, and I learned something new about my colleague - he was a Mormon. I frantically looked out the window, but saw nothing but desert - there was no way out, this intense religious conversation was about to happen whether I liked it or not. I immediately started flipping through the rolodex of facts in my brain, trying to recall as many jabs as I could from that anti-Mormon book I read. Yet just before I shot my first zinger over the bow, I had a realization: this could end poorly. Riding in a rented Chevy Impala is uncomfortable enough - spending the foreseeable future alone in silence with someone I'd exchanged harsh, belief-bashing words with would be untenable. So I chucked my agenda out the window onto the Bonneville Salt Flats, and just asked "How did you form your beliefs?" Our conversation continued for three days straight.

Every petrol head has to stop at the Bonneville salt flats!

When I let my guard down on staunchly defending my beliefs and instead focused on understanding my colleague's perspective, I was immediately intrigued and had to know more. Every time we got in the car, I asked him more questions - about the history of the faith, about how his beliefs affected his world view, and what he thought made his beliefs stand out against all the other faiths of the world. I was fascinated by his viewpoint, and he gave me truckloads of information to mull over. He spent the weekend visiting his relatives in Utah, so I was left on my own in the Mormon capital of the world. I spent those days reading as much as I could, I visited the Mormon temple, I conversed with former and current Mormons in restaurants, I watched a few Mormon programs on television, I sipped on Polygamy Porter at the Wasatch Brewpub (not LDS-approved!), and I even went to a Mormon comedy club (actually really funny). In the end, I had some major misgivings about the religion, found many of their beliefs to be contradictory, and determined there was no corroboration for Joseph Smith's claims. Yet when I hopped in the passenger seat of that awful Impala on Monday morning, I was able to communicate these misgivings to my colleague with a very liberal dose of respect, love, and understanding, and was even able to share my beliefs with him without any raised voices or animosity. I wasn't repeating words I had read in a biased book like a weird Jesus drone, I was sharing my wrestled-with beliefs - and I think my authenticity was evident. The discussion was natural, and didn't result in any awkward silence. He's become a mentor to me at work, and I frequently seek out his sage advice - I hold him in extremely high esteem. We've continued our discussions on faith many times since then, and his views seemed to have changed significantly since that long road trip. I'm really glad I considered changing my belief system that weekend - I know my faith has grown exponentially because of it.

Our discourse had such a profound impact on me that I have sought to replicate the experience as many times as possible. I'm writing this from Madrid, and literally just returned from a very late (by American standards) dinner with a Spanish coworker. During our mealtime discussion, he mentioned he was one of the "new Catholics." When I asked him what he meant by "new Catholic," he responded: "We're pretty much like the old ones, but we really like sex." I ended my questioning there and prayed to not hear any more details. Nevertheless, these open dialogues on faith with people around the world have been eye-opening for me, and the diverse perspectives have strengthened my beliefs by forcing me to seek out earnest reasons for believing what I do. I longed for my friends in Atlanta to have these kinds of experiences, and since I couldn't fit them in my suitcase, I decided to bring the discourse to them through Pints & Pipes.

One Thursday, we debated the origins of morality, and the next week we discussed whether science conflicted with belief in God or not. Another time, my friend Peter shared his experience of growing up in Kenya, and talked about (and showed graphic pictures of) how most Kenyans growing up in the slums of Nairobi went to their graves without ever knowing that some of the most beautiful beaches in the world were a mere few hours' drive away. Just as we were all getting filled up with pity for these people living in hell when paradise was only a few kilometers away, he said: "It really reminds me of America, and how people here are so willing to settle for a mediocre suburban dream when epic living is knocking at their door - it's a shame" (the whole room of 40 people expressed a collective "ouch" as that honest statement hit home). Another Thursday, my friend Mike, a Palestinian Arab, discussed growing up in Israel during the 50's & 60's. His mother tongue is Arabic, but he's also fluent in Hebrew and English, and he's a professing Christian. His multifaceted and rich perspective on the Middle East rendered us absolutely speechless (I still wish I had recorded that meeting of Pints & Pipes). He was even open enough with us to share about the painful time someone burned a cross on his lawn (he was living in the USA at this point) during the Iran hostage crisis (even though he wasn't Persian, and wasn't a Muslim, but that's beside the point). These amazing discussions have changed my life immensely, and I hope they've impacted my friends, too. Each Pints & Pipes session costs at least $100-$150, but I think it's a worthy investment because I firmly believe this discourse is desperately needed in our community.  

Guess which of these beautiful people is Peter

The way I see it, Jesus claimed to literally be the truth (John 14:6), so if I earnestly seek the truth, I should find Him there waiting for me. I shouldn't be afraid of facts or thoroughly listening to the perspectives of others, because if Jesus isn't there at the point of truth, then He must've been a sham and I should move on with my life. If you're ever in Atlanta on a Thursday evening, I hope you'll join us for a pint or a healthy pour of fruit-infused water. We'll make you check your agenda at the door, but we'll intently listen to what you have to say. Who knows, you may just be able to make a strong enough case to make me finally drop this Jesus following nonsense.

What I'm listening to during this post:

I can't cut it.

I fell asleep on the tram the other night. This happens far too often - it's only a matter of time until I wake up to find myself in Belgium at 1am, robbed of my wallet and shoes. As the streetcar twists its way around Amsterdam's canals, a prerecorded voice announces the stops, and like a dog who obeys his owner's commands without understanding what the words mean or being able to pronounce them, I listen intently to ensure I don't miss the stop near my hotel. In between the speakers announcing Nieuwezijds Kolk and Prinsengracht, the conductor rings the tram's bell as we cross through an intersection. The bell is gentle, but we all know what it's really saying - "Get out of my path, you stoned, pot-smoking tourist!" All of these sounds orchestrate into a symphonic lullaby in my ears, and the gentle rumbling of the tram over the old tracks rocks me to sleep.

The other night, my slumber was startling interrupted by the speaker declaring the one Dutch word I know: "Zuid" (it means "south" and is pronounced like "Zowd"). I quickly punched the stop request button, scanned my chip card, and exited the tram. It wasn't until my feet had hit the pavement that I emerged from my stupor and realized Zuid was the stop for my office - my hotel was another 2 kilometers away. As I began my long walk back, a rain cloud burst above, absolutely drenching me. As the water seeped through my blazer, it was as if everything was going wrong, but all I could do was emit a joyful smile. 24 hours earlier, this joy would not have been possible.

2013 has been the most difficult year in the record books for me. I could go into detail, but I don't want to turn this post into a pity party. Also, I've noticed that when you bare your soul on a topic you've been struggling with, there's often a tendency for peers to belittle your struggle by comparing your life to someone whose situation is worse than yours. For example, I once confided in a friend that I had a rough week at the office, and his response was "hey, at least you have a job to complain about." I don't see any difference between that response and me telling a friend whose parents are going through a difficult divorce "hey, at least your dad is alive, mine's dead!" It's not compassionate, it's hurtful. Not to mention it's moot - many of the reasons I've had a tough year are people close to me are in situations worse than mine, and I haven't been able to help them as much as I wish I could. So I'll just sum it up by saying I've spent most of the year at what I thought was the end of my rope. After one particularly difficult week in Amsterdam, I spent the drive home after the long flight shouting at God. "I can't take any more!" I yelled at Him through the sunroof. Thirty seconds later, an uninsured motorist who had lost control of her vehicle t-boned the new car I had purchased a mere two weeks before. Apparently He thought I could take some more. Needless to say, I'm ready for 2014. I'm already preparing for our New Year's Eve party because I can't wait to stick 2013 on a pyre and set it ablaze like in a viking funeral.

I've tended to blame this year's troubles on money. First, I thought if I just had more of it, I could fix everything. Then I felt guilty for wanting more money, so I figured my lust for money must be the problem. Perhaps if I could just take out a scalpel and remove that desire from my heart, then surely all my angst would disappear. A few nights ago, I was struck with a bout of insomnia (which often happens when I fly to Europe and my body hasn't adjusted to the time difference yet). So at 3am, I passed the time reading my Bible, and praying for God to help me abolish my love for money. As I sat there in silence, God spoke to me. Not an audible voice, but rather a gentle whisper emanating from my chest and implanting words in my brain, saying: "This isn't about money. This is about your pride."

Before I continue, I'd like to acknowledge how absurd it is for me to claim I heard from God. I'm sure my unbelieving friends would have some very reasonable explanations for it - maybe even biological or psychological explanations for why it was just a message from my subconscious. Yet before you lump me together with the mentally ill and those who commit atrocities while claiming "God told me to," allow me to offer up a few observations of what these "communications" have had in common, and what have set them apart from my usual mind wanderings and daydreams. I don't hear from God on a frequent basis, and there's no pattern for when it happens (I don't do seances, or anything else to provoke them). When they do happen, they're succinct, always in accordance with Scripture, and affirmed by wise people. The messages don't necessarily align with what I see as my best interests, but rather typically cost me something (resources, how I spend my time, etc). They've never been prophetic nor predicted the future. Yet they've always stood in stark contrast with what I want, and point me down a road that is tougher, but worth it.

Some of the $10k worth of damage done to my new car

This instance fit the same pattern, and the message was spot on, whether I liked it or not. Money is a much easier issue to deal with - what I didn't want to admit to myself is I had found my identity in earthly success and not in Christ. I had become known as a man of international mystery, a man who threw lavish parties, and a man who was willing and able to share with his friends in need, and I loved that identity - perhaps even idolized it. When a friend asked me for prayer for a friend of hers who was going through a rough period, I didn't just pray for her, I bought her a plane ticket so she could go visit her friend in need. I loved writing those kind of checks - I found my identity in being a blessing to others. Yet in 2013, I've dealt with issues my checkbook can't solve. I could write a check for all the therapy my friend with a traumatic brain injury needs, but it would bounce. Even Warren Buffet's checkbook couldn't save my other friend from a frivolous yet still painful, reputation-damaging lawsuit. It was high time for me to recognize my identity of being this benevolent benefactor who could bless everyone's lives with hospitality and fix all my friends' problems through my own efforts was an illusion - I am no one's savior. I had to bury my pride and place my burdens at the feet of the Healer, hanging my head while whispering "I can't cut it."

Artist depiction of St. Peter

Recently, my friend Joe taught me about Peter, one of the disciples of Jesus in the Bible. In the Gospels, we see Peter as a headstrong, never-say-die follower of Jesus. When officials come to arrest Jesus, Peter draws his sword and chops the ear off of one of them (John 18:10). When Jesus predicts that Peter will deny Him three times, Peter is offended and claims to love Jesus more than anyone else (Matthew 26:33, Mark 14:29). Of course Jesus was right, Peter did end up denying knowing Him three times, and we see Peter's pride in his identity as the most zealous of the disciples slip into a feeling of dire failure. To add a little salt in Peter's wound, after Jesus dies on the cross and is resurrected from the dead, He goes to Peter and asks him: "do you love me more than these [referring to the other disciples]?" Peter responds: "you know that I love you" and Jesus follows with "Feed my lambs" then asks his question again. Peter responds the same way, then Jesus repeats His question a third time. Peter gives the same response a third time, and Jesus reiterates "Feed my sheep" (John 21:15-19). Sure, it's a beautiful dialogue, with Jesus making Peter say he loves Him three times to contrast his three denials, and Jesus reaffirming Peter's call to ministry, yet it's even richer when you look at the Greek, in which the New Testament was originally written.

The Greek language has four different words for love. When Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him, He uses "agape," which means unconditional love. However, when Peter responds, he uses "philos," which means friendly or brotherly love. It's as if Jesus is asking Peter: "Do you love me unconditionally, more than all the others, as you said you did?" and Peter is responding "Lord, you know I at least love you as a brother, but you know I can't say agape. You know I denied you, you know I messed up, you know I can't cut it." Yet Jesus is resolute, and reaffirms what he said about Peter before: "you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church." (Matthew 16:18) We know this is how history played out - we know Peter was one of the most prolific leaders of the early church. Yet we also know the growth of the church can't be attributed to Peter's zeal and strength, but rather to his inability to say "agape" with a straight face, to his admission of "I can't cut it," to humbly lay the burdens he couldn't control at the feet of the Lord while dedicating his life to following Jesus's simple command: "feed my sheep."

Agape in Greek

As the cold Dutch rain pierced through my expensive blazer, I realized I could dress myself up in fancy clothes, but storms would still fall on me nonetheless. I realized I could travel to foreign countries and take on the appearance of a jet setter, but I'd still fall asleep on public transportation, just like the homeless people in America. I realized I could search for all the job security I'd ever need, but I still would never have enough to fix everything. I needed to follow Peter's example and humbly accept God's call to serve Him while humbly admitting I can't take the credit and shout "agape." I gave up my burden, and it was freeing. I couldn't cut it, my pride and old identity were slowly dying, and it made me erupt with joy.

What I'm listening to during this post:

I want it to cost me.

I grew up attending a small church in Virginia. I realize here in the buckle of the Bible Belt, any church with fewer than 1,000 attendees and less than a million dollar budget for stage decorations is considered small, but this was a proper small church. There were probably 100 or so parishioners, and they were some of the most genuine, salt of the earth people I've ever met. They were barbers, mail carriers, engineers, photographers, carpenters, and line workers at the local Anheuser-Busch brewery. They were men who literally built and maintained the church building themselves—they had the scars on their hands to prove it. Like all churches, it was made up of imperfect people who had squabbles and petty disagreements, but nonetheless they earnestly sought to bless the community with the resources God had blessed them with.

We didn't have the resources to send our teens on overseas mission trips, but we did support missionaries as much as we could. We tended to support ones who were nationals of the country where they were doing ministry so they would know the language and culture and be able to relate to the people. One Sunday when I was in middle school, my Sunday school teacher, Danny, read us a letter from one of the missionaries we supported in India. In the letter, the missionary asked for prayer because his old motorcycle had finally bitten the dust for good. He had used the motorcycle to travel to different small villages and serve the people living in them, sharing the Gospel along the way. After his motorcycle died he started using a bicycle to travel to different villages, but it limited his range—he wanted a new motorcycle but couldn't afford the $800 it'd cost. After reading the letter, Danny shared his preposterous idea with us—he thought we should buy the missionary a new motorcycle.

After much lively debate among the prepubescent youth, we finally accepted Danny's challenge and proposed to organize a spaghetti dinner to raise funds for the motorbike. The plan was to sell $10 tickets for the dinner, use the money from the ticket sales to procure the spaghetti dinner ingredients, host the meal, and hope to have $800 in profit. Danny agreed to our little scheme, but added one stipulation: we could only sell tickets to people in the church. As the middle schoolers saw their market potential dwindle drastically, they immediately threw objections at Danny. "Why? I know people outside the church who have much more money than anyone here—they'll probably buy tickets just to get me off their front porch, and won't even come to the dinner!"

Danny's response made such a profound impact on me that it still guides my decisions, 20 years later. He said as Christians, we're called to love and serve our neighbors, and to be a blessing to those who are not believers. If we were to guilt trip our neighbors into paying for a ministry they didn't even believe in, we would be forcing our beliefs on them in a horrible, guilt-driven way—the opposite of being a blessing to them. He applied the same principle to the supplies for the dinner—we couldn't beg businesses for a handout, we would pay full price with joy. After all, supporting this missionary was our calling, and we shouldn't take a cop out on our calling by guilt-tripping others into giving their resources when we should be the ones making sacrifices. Sure, we were welcome to invite people from outside the church to the dinner, but we needed to pay for their tickets out of our own pocket.

I believe in loving people genuinely, uniquely, and without ulterior motives, and I think hospitality is an exceptional way to do just that. We strive to make our home a place full of laughter and lasting relationships, where people from many different walks of life can be loved individually for who they are. A place where stories are told, honest discourse happens, perspectives are gained, and the Gospel is shared. We consider this our ministry and our calling. Over the years, this has taken many different forms, from cooking homemade french fries in the dorm kitchen in college (causing a few grease fires) to inviting coworkers over to our tiny apartment for frozen pizza and wings when we were first married and had no money, to throwing parties for 100 people when we had more resources and friends who shared our mission. All have been amazing experiences, and all have had a commonality: they cost us personally. 

Feeding and entertaining people is expensive and hard work, and we have to make sacrifices to do it. We've put off home repairs and decided against replacing aging furniture and appliances, and I went 18 months without buying a single article of clothing, all because we believe hospitality is worthy of the investment. So when we invite someone into our home, we're telling them we highly value their company and think they're worth spending our time and hard-earned money on. We've found this personal cost and lack of expecting anything in return has added rich levels of authenticity to our relationships. If we were to ask non-Christian businesses to foot the bill for our ministry, not only would we be forcing our beliefs on them by guilt-tripping them into paying for a ministry they don't believe in, but we'd also be robbing our relationships of the authenticity that comes from self sacrifice. We'd go from being a blessing to the community to a net drain on the community. I believe this principle applies on a larger scale as well and has disastrous consequences when it's ignored.

A party at our house

I spent much of 2010 and 2011 in the great Nordic country of Sweden, where God is dead. Seriously—Sweden has the highest population of atheists per capita in the entire world. Yet as I walked through the streets of Stockholm, I saw many beautiful church buildings, and they were all in business—lights on, service times, full-time pastoral staff—the whole nine yards. I asked one of my Swedish colleagues how these churches could afford to keep their doors open when no one was coming in, and he told me "it's simple—they're funded by taxes." He went on to explain how even though the vast majority of Swedes are atheists, they still go to church for baby baptisms, weddings, and funerals—y'know, to get their tax dollars’ worth. As the church traded discipleship on stewardship for easy government money, it went from being a blessing to the community to just another state agency, and pastors became bureaucrats. The church passed responsibility for the poor over to the state instead of serving them with their own resources, and it’s been in decline ever since. No wonder so many Swedes are atheists—I can't blame them.

I know many Christians with grandiose visions of how they'd like to make the Kingdom of God tangible here on Earth, and I think they're great. I also think Jesus set up a wonderful model for helping these visions come to fruition, called discipleship. As we follow Christ and act as self-sacrificing stewards of the resources we're given, we welcome people into the narrative and point them to Jesus. As those people fall in love with the epic Gospel of God's creation of the world, its fall due to sin, its redemption through Christ, and its ongoing restoration through the Holy Spirit, they'll want to be a part of the restoration. I think inviting others to serve the community alongside you is an essential part of discipleship, but going straight for their wallet without participation seems like a dangerous shortcut. Discipleship takes immense amounts of time and is arduous, but it’s the most worthy investment you can make, and circumventing the process through handouts and government funding will cheat you out of the beauty of seeing someone coming to follow Christ. If you have so little faith in discipleship that you'd rather guilt-trip non-believers into paying for your mission or, even worse, take the money from them forcefully through taxes, then pick up a hammer and help Nietzsche put a nail in God's coffin. All you're doing is coveting the possessions of others, and it's killing the church. We should be so focused on serving the community that we render state programs unnecessary, not becoming another corporation looking to suck on the teat of big government . I'd rather die with my goals unfinished and my vision unrealized than become the next Sweden.

Sweden leads the world in atheism.

By God's provision, our spaghetti dinner raised more than $1,200. Not only was the missionary able to buy a new motorcycle, but he was also able to pour the additional funds into the impoverished communities he was serving. We didn't covet the resources of the megachurches and snark at how they could've bought 3 motorcycles with their weekly coffee budget alone. We didn't daydream about what we could've done if we had just received a government grant. We didn't go and brag to non-Christians about what we had done, either (except for this non-authorized public post 20 years later, sorry guys). We merely made personal sacrifices with the resources we had been given and thanked God for letting us be a part of His epic story.

What I'm listening to during this post:

I want to be different.

Recently, someone very close to me was lambasted for getting a tattoo. Family members hurled insults at her, questioned the soundness of her judgement, and worst of all, accused her of openly defying God. The last part scared me a bit because I take the brazen disobedience of God pretty seriously, and my skin also has some ink on it. Worried my trip to a tattoo parlor in Copenhagen two years ago had somehow condemned me, I asked her where her accusers were getting their biblical argument. She asked them, and they couldn't name any verses, but they were certain some preacher at some point in time had told them tattoos were evil. So I looked for myself, and shockingly, I found something.

Leviticus 19:28 says: "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord." I also discovered I am duly screwed because, much to my chagrin, the directly preceding verse says: "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard" and I prefer to keep my facial hair nice and trim. Yet given the number of god-fearing men I know who are clean-shaven, I had a hankering suspicion these verses needed some context. I love the Old Testament, and I think it's immensely relevant to God's grand narrative and where we fit in that story, but sometimes we have a habit of splicing together verses with no context and create our own religions in the process. Sometimes we pervert God into some kind of genie meant only to bring us toys and constant bliss (Jeremiah 29:11 is probably the most infamous example of this), and sometimes we twist scripture to judge others. Both scenarios are pretty horrible, in my opinion.

According to Jamieson, Fausset, and Brown's Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible (first published in 1871 by 3 British theologians, their commentary has been well-respected across denominational lines for many generations), beard-scaping, self mutilation, and primitive tattooing were all practices Egyptians followed in accordance with their idol worshiping religions. A squared-off beard was said to honor an idol god, cutting your flesh was a "propitiatory offering to the deities who presided over death," and imprinting your skin with an idol's symbol via hot iron or ink was also a way of honoring that idol. The Israelites had picked up on these traditions while under Egyptian rule, and had continued practicing them even after God delivered them out of slavery. This wasn't kosher with the Lord, who calls Himself a "jealous God" and doesn't want His people frolicking about with false idols. The Jews were God's chosen people, and He wanted them to be different. He wanted them to stand out, in obvious and physical ways, as a beacon of the Most High.

my tattoo

Since the shapes of beards and tattoos are no longer associated with idol worship in our current culture, I don't believe they are forbidden by God. However, this didn't bring me much comfort. My mind kept going back to the underlying issue of God wanting His people to stand out from the crowds of non-believers, and the question "What makes you so different, Jay?" haunted my psyche. Some Christians set themselves apart by only using polite language, but I think Cards Against Humanity is hilarious. Other Christians abstain from using alcohol and tobacco, but I host a weekly drinking and smoking party. Some Christians put fish emblems on their cars, but I'm afraid my driving habits would draw disdain towards that symbol.

When I reflect on how I should be different, I remember a dialogue in the book of John where Jesus knows He's about to die on the cross, and wants to share some final lessons with His disciples. He tells them:  “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34,35). Frankly, I used to find this passage offensive. For some reason, I thought it implied people who weren't disciples of Jesus were incapable of loving one another, which contradicted my personal experience with scores of wonderful, charitable, and loving people who aren't Christians. Yet now I realize I was just misinterpreting Jesus's words. He wasn't questioning the capabilities of non-Christians, but rather commanding the love of the disciples to be different and extraordinary.

I love smoking pipes with friends.

Earlier in John 13, Jesus demonstrates His extraordinary love by taking the role of a servant, even though He is God, and washing the disciples' filthy feet. So when Jesus says "As I have loved you," I think the disciples got the point - their love needed to be so different, so amazing, that it would set them apart from everyone else and be the reputation that let others know they were followers of Christ. We see examples of this humble, sacrificial, and different love throughout the early church - from Christians voluntarily giving away their possessions to willingly submit to communal living (Acts 4:32-36) to lovingly praying for and forgiving the people who stoned them to death (Acts 7:54-60). I fully believe their love was so different and so amazing that people knew it couldn't come from human will alone, and had to be of God.

I want my love of others to be genuine, unique, and extraordinary. I want my home to be a place oozing with love, where everyone knows they can come and be cherished. I want to find a way to serve every waitress who serves me. I want my love to be real and without agenda. I want to love others so well that no words of trash talk ever come from my lips. I want to treat all of my possessions as temporary blessings from God for me to use to love others. I want to love my colleagues so much that I put their career development over my own. I want my love for others to be so humble and so sacrificial that people know it isn't coming from me, it's coming from Jesus. I want to be known for my love, but I don't think I am, and that is the most tragic sin I've ever confessed.

What I'm listening to during this post:

Look for the crazy.

The beignet is a marvel of culinary ingenuity. Many people have fried pastries before, but somehow the French came up with the greatest design (it feels weird to type those words). Fortunately, French immigrants brought this treat to the South, where, naturally, it was perfected. The beignet masters inject just the right amount of air into its delicate layers, giving it a unique consistency, not nearly as dense as a doughnut, yet with way more substance than a cream puff. This treasure is then liberally garnished with enough powdered sugar to make you think you've stumbled into a party at Charlie Sheen's house. They are one of the most delectable things I've ever tasted.

HoneyHoney rocking out

When my friend Peter declared his desire to consume a beignet, my pavlovian instincts kicked in and my mouth immediately began to water. My friend Sarah expressed her excitement in a different way, throwing her arms up with the excitement of a college coed who had just met her favorite music star and exclaiming "BEN-YAYS! YES!" The three votes had formed quorum, so there was no way around it - we had to acquire a dozen. The only problem was it was 1:30am on a Saturday night, and there was only one place to procure beignets, the French Quarter of New Orleans - more than a 7 hour drive from our current location in Atlanta. Fortunately, we found a 2 lbs. box of Goldfish crackers and 5 loaves of energy drinks in my pantry, and figured it was the perfect amount to feed us for 1,000 miles. With Peter behind the wheel, all 8 cylinders of Justin's car roared to life, and our journey began.

My friends are crazy. They do the kind of things society tells them are foolish. They take the bland picture of the American dream - mindless wealth acquisition and keeping up with the Joneses, and laugh in its face. They invite danger into their lives, and love with reckless abandon. I'm writing this from my bed, which is currently just a mattress on the floor because a few days ago Sarah called and said: "There's a family in need. They need a bed, so I offered them yours. Ronnie's bringing his truck to pick it up at 4pm." Unfazed, I responded "see you then," no questions were necessary. We give each other's stuff away - we're crazy. The idea of driving through the night after partying for 12 straight hours - tailgating, then cheering on the Atlanta Braves, then getting 2 friends in wheelchairs up an 80-year-old staircase because we couldn't stand the thought of not having them with us for HoneyHoney's electrifying concert - was crazy. Yet as we crossed the border into Alabama at 3am, we knew there was no turning back.

A gas station in Montgomery, AL at 4am

All night long, the car was filled with laughter and amazing conversation. Not only is everything funnier when you're sleep deprived, but it also seems like whatever nice shell you're used to wearing in public is also completely worn away, leading to nothing but refreshing candor in your discussions. We talked about what we'd like to get out of life, and we brainstormed ways we could love our friends more deeply and sacrificially. We shared with each other who we needed to advocate for, and we were honest about where we needed to spur each other on. The conversation was so rich that it made the time melt away, and before we knew it, we were pulling into Biloxi, Mississippi, as the sun rose ever so slightly.

Never in my life did I think I would have a debate with a hotel receptionist about which night I was checking in for, but in this surreal universe of crazy adventures, I found myself pleading with the graveyard shift manager at the Imperial Palace Hotel and Casino to give me the drastically lower Sunday rate. Surprisingly, she was immune to my charms and we ended up paying for the most expensive 3 hour nap in history. While Peter went straight to bed, the adrenaline coursing through our veins was too much for Sarah, Justin, and I to ignore, and we immediately proceeded to the casino. There we discovered two important things: 1) Yes, they do serve unlimited free beers at 6:30am, and 2) if you place really small bets, you can turn $20 into 3 hours of gambling fun. I never did make it into the bed we paid for.

A wide-awake Justin plays blackjack

By 9:30am, we were putting our minor diversion behind us and returning to our main mission of beignet acquisition. At 11:30am, we were sitting at Cafe Beignet, our stomachs gurgling with anticipation (or perhaps the sounds were the result of not sleeping and only eating Goldfish) as numerous plates of beignets were placed before us. As we bit into those delicious pastries and my red beard became invaded by powdered sugar, we knew the trip was worth it. Not because the beignets were that good, but because our time together was even richer. We simultaneously looked at each other, burst out laughing, and persuaded one of the passersby to take our photo. We were crazy, and we loved it.

When people tell me they're a follower of Jesus, I always look for the crazy. My friend Dylan spends all of his vacation time and money on helping street kids in Nicaragua get an education. My friends Stephen and Holly are passionate about being positive adult role models to kids in the community they're not even related to. Sarah is constantly tutoring and providing for kids who don't speak English in their home so that they can thrive in this country. Peter, Justin, Sarah, and I decided our friendship was worth driving all night for. My friends sacrifice their time, their resources, their comfort, and their security, voluntarily lowering the standard of living they could afford to have, all to live the kind of adventure that serves others and takes Jesus up on His offer to "have life, and have it to the full."

Beignets acquired!

When I don't see the crazy, it makes me wonder who people are following. A local pastor, family heritage, cultural traditions, a close friend, or even Oprah, perhaps? Whoever it is, it can't be Jesus. As many times as I look, I can never find a biblical basis for living a normal life. When I flip through the written accounts of Jesus's life, I find nothing but crazy. John lived on locusts and wild honey (Matthew 3), Peter and Andrew completely and immediately abandoned their source of income to spend more time with Jesus (Matthew 4:18-22), and Jesus commanded His followers to love their enemies and pray for those who persecuted them (Matthew 5:43-48). Those examples are only from 3 chapters - the exhaustive list is longer than the drive from Atlanta to New Orleans!

The crazy life is not easy. We get hurt when the people we strive to serve continue to make bad choices. We get burnt out when we're so focused on the adventure we forget to take a rest (leading to our own bad decisions). We're forced to deal with conflict, and can become jealous of those who seem to be content with sweeping it under the rug. We get frustrated with each other, but we forgive quickly and help pick each other up. We know the struggle is worth it. Give me crazy, or give me death.

What I'm Listening to During this Post: